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Here's my promise

2009.06.17 Wednesday 1:51 P GMT-04
I may not have anything to say, but I promise to update at least some sort of nothing at least three times a week.  
 
Right now, I am updating that I got about an hour of sleep last night.

Senseless update

2009.06.14 Sunday 4:34 A GMT-04
I'm full of a whole lot of raw, ugly, negative emotions.
 
 

Yes, I know

2009.05.31 Sunday 6:36 P GMT-04
I have totally been neglecting my blog.
 
I promise I'll get something together this week.  Something good.

Thank you, London

2009.05.23 Saturday 8:56 A GMT-04

England, London, United Kingdom, 0 returning visit

May 23rd 200906:10:59 AM

 www.google.co.uk search = dogs wee drying into crystals
kristinatirva.blog-city.com/

 

5.17.2009

2009.05.17 Sunday 4:47 A GMT-04
Today is the day.
 
My Benjamin Boyd will be here within a matter of hours.  Tiny and snuggly and smelling of that sweet new baby smell.  
 
It's funny how a single thought can run through your mind a thousand and one times and have no impact until all of a sudden.  Withouth warning, that seemingly harmless thought of 'I'm having a baby' turns into, 'oh my God.  I'm having a baby.'
 
Obviously, I've had several months to get used to the idea of becoming a mom again, but it's still all so shocking.  It's safe to say that I had a very difficult time dealing with this pregnancy.  The depression was overwhelming and it did not help that I chose to hide it from most people close to me and was attacked and accused of unimaginable things when I opened up to a select few friends of my true emotions.  It threw me into an even deeper and darker chamber of sadness within myself I never even knew existed.  I became a constant sobbing shell of a human being locked in her own sense of helplessness grasping for some sort of hope that someone would see my pain and reach out to help.  I suppose a few people did here and there, but the truth is, I worked it all out on my own. 
 
I can't say that one I just woke up and was okay.  It didn't work like that.  It was a gradual acceptance and a gradual healing.  I do know that there was one day that I just woke up and realized that I was going to be okay.  I remember thinking clearly and rationally that day.  I remember feeling something that I hadn't felt in a long time and that was contentment with a sprinkle of excitement.  It had been so long since I had felt anything to look forward to and here I was, looking forward to having a baby.  The very same thing that had me unhappy to begin with.
 
 I still feel a tremendous amount of guilt about the awful emotions I enveloped myself in while carrying this baby.  I hate the idea that my encompassing unhappiness and sadness has somehow negatively affected the baby's emotional growth and personality somehow.  I hate the idea of how I resented myself and my husband for allowing this to happen at such an inopportune time and while I cannot fully and honestly say that I ever resented the baby itself, I know for far too long I did not want to be pregnant and instead chose to ignore the fact that he was growing inside of me.  
 
Baby, what I want you to know is that right now as I sit here and type this, I am thinking completely of you and your well-being.  I am praying for you to be happy and healthy and to know nothing more than how much you are loved and adored.  I want you to know that I am so sorry, more sorry than you can ever imagine, for spending so much time being consumed with anger and sadness in the beginning but that it never had to do with you.  I want you to know that it was never about me not wanting you, just being terribly confused and in a very fragile mental state.  I may not have wanted another baby just yet but now, right now, I cannot imagine my world without you.  
 
Happy birthday, Baby Benny.  And welcome to a world where you are surrounded with nothing but love.
 
 
 
 
And now, weather and headlines of the day you were born from the WNEP and the Scranton Times . . .
 

Today - is breezy & cooler with morning rain showers followed by clouds gradually giving way to some afternoon sunshine, high near 60.

Tonight - becomes clear & cold with the chance of frost & freeze toward morning, low 34.

 

Lackawanna County must still close $1.3M deficit

Who gets credit for Scranton's med school?

Doherty and DiBileo face off for Scranton mayoral nomination

Pending Obama visit sparks protests at Notre Dame 

Obama: Early to mull more troops in Afghanistan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baby tomorrow at 7:15 am

2009.05.16 Saturday 8:22 A GMT-04
That about sums it up.

5.14.2005

2009.05.14 Thursday 9:20 A GMT-04
Here's the thing, I think I am having a baby today some time.  I need to get my ass in gear.  Last night was a challenge.  I kept waking up with cramps and back pain.  Turns out they were contractions and they are still coming strong today, although they are still only about eight minutes apart.  That's all I have to say, except I have a boat load of cleaning and straightening up to do before this baby comes since I was so lazy with all of the nesting crap up to this point.
 

Week 39

Baby: Your baby is about 21.5 inches long from head to toe and weighs a little more than 7 pounds. Toenails and fingernails have grown to tips of toes and fingers. Muscles of your baby's arms and legs are strong, and he's practicing lung movements. Baby's head has dropped into the mother's pelvis if he's head-down, which allows you to breathe a little easier.

Mom-to-be: You're probably feeling quite large and uncomfortable. Your uterus has filled your pelvis and most of your abdomen, pushing everything else out of the way. Your center of gravity has shifted, so you may be clumsier than usual.

Tip of the Week: Watch for signs of labor, but don't get too obsessed. It could happen soon or still be weeks away. Some differences between false labor and contractions: False labor pains usually concentrate in the lower abdomen and groin, while true labor pains may start in the lower back and may spread through the entire abdomen. Real labor also becomes stronger and more powerful as time passes.

And, in case the baby decides to come today, here is the weather and the headlines:

(From WNEP.com)

 The time is now, the place is here. Stay in the present. You can do nothing to change the past, and the future will never come exactly as you plan or hope for.
Dan Millman

Showers have already bloomed in parts of the area today. Consider this rain---part I. The scattered showers will be tapering off, giving way to some dry periods into the early and middle afternoon. By this evening and into tonight, a cold front will be rocking your world with more showers and possibly some thunderstorms (Part II). Don't go huddling into the corner of your basement in fear like some animal, it won't be that bad! .......And, behind that cold front, skies will clear to allow for some sun Friday and Saturday with temps back to the 70s!!!!! Saturday night and Sunday, yet another front heads your way. Expect more rain by Saturday night and Sunday. The rain may taper off later Sunday as cooler drier air seeps in. Not good enough for you???? A nice dry sunny stretch will begin on Monday and last through mid-week. Yes, we'll be near, at, or above 80 degrees by Wednesday! LET THE PIGEONS LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!!!!!!!!

snedeker
 
(From the Scranton Times)

Summer gas prices expected to peak around $2.50 in region

Endorsement: Chris Doherty for third term

 

 

 

 

Andy - crib + toddler bed = notsogood

2009.05.12 Tuesday 1:52 P GMT-04
Night one . . .
 
 
Day two, nap . . .
 
 
 
 
 
 

Speaking of the Duggars

2009.05.08 Friday 10:59 A GMT-04
I don't watch the show, I find them annoying, but I have always wondered . . .
 
 Are they LDS?  Are they secret polygamists?  Are they a cult?
 
It's just so odd that anyone would want such a large family.  Can you even consider them a family?  They're more like a colony.  It's just so odd.
 
Also, do you think TLC is getting ready to approach the idea of a Duggar spinoff with 'Josh' and 'Anna'?  From the commercials, it seems the last two episodes have focused solely on the two.  At least they seem a wee bit more likeable than rest of the family, espcially so the parents.  
 
Oh, and if you want a good chuckle, check out their website.  Google it, I don't want to link it.  Lord knows the feedback and trackbacks that would ensue.

Anyone else having weird SPAM day?

2009.05.08 Friday 7:16 A GMT-04
Gmail was giving me crap this morning.  It kept telling me it wasn't available which had me in serious panic, as you can imagine.  (What  if there was something important I needed to get to?  Not that there ever is.)  Now I am beginning to think my SPAM filters are a little skewed because I keep getting weird stuff in my email.
 
Examples:
 
 MySpace
 Kristina, free Mother's Day gifts for any mom you know!
 Amazon.com/baby Amazon Baby:  New BabyLegs Collections have arrived
 Music World Exclusive:  The Crystal Method's new album
   
Okay, it doesn't look so weird right now, but this is usually stuff that gets filtered right to SPAM.  It just didn't look right in my inbox.  Enough that I felt it required mentioning, okay?  Yeah, okay, nevermind. 


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